Enjoy Life!

2007-06-07T06:28:00.001-07:00

One of the things that deffinately get me going is an article I read today on www.msnbc.msn.com . Human Rights groups are up in arms about 'ghost detainees" supposedly held by the United States government. Where were these human rights activist when the World Trade Center was destroyed? Were they crying for justice for all those innocent people who where murdered because someone decided America's politics wasn't what they agreed with? Were they crying for the children that were left behind, some without a mother, some without a father, and unfortunately others without either parent? Were they crying for the mothers and fathers who lost their children or the husbands and wives who lost their spouse? No, they weren't there yelling for justice yet now, they are demanding to know the location of some 39 "ghost detainees." They say you never know how you are going to react to something unless you live through it yourself. Well I thought we all lived through 9/11 together. It didn't matter I didn't have any family or friends that were in those buildings at the time I felt the pain and lose just like the rest of this country and the rest of the world should have because it proved if it can happen on US soil it can happen any where.

Where are those detainees? In my opinion I really don't care. I am sick and tired of hearing how poorly these "poor" detainees are being treated. I am sick and tired of hearing how our soldiers are punished for so called torture to the prisioners on their watch while soldiers, news reporters, and others that have been captured by these animals have been publically be-headed for all to see. Has any one of these human rights activist given thought to the families of these poor people? I think not. Let's protect the criminal is always the mind set and then they want to know why the world is so messed up it seems impossible to fix. I was always taught to pick my fights and to fight for what I believe in. Well I believe in the Red, White, and Blue and I will fight for it and defend it to my dying day. I may not always agree to what the government does but that's ok because if life was perfect it would be boring.

In my opinon all visitors from these so call "friendly nations" should be stopped from coming into this country. In my opinion, it's time to say enough is enough and to start looking after the people of this country and stop worrying about the people who want to come to this country. I am proud to say my grandparents were immigrants who came here from Italy and worked hard for what they had and taught their children to work hard and to respect the laws of this Great Nation. I am proud to say not only did my grandparents come here to this country but they loved it so much they became citizens of the United States. They burst with pride when they went to the polls on election day to vote because they believed their vote meant something. They believed they made a difference in this country. Today I'm not so sure they would feel that way. It seems to me the people who yell the loudest and cause the most problems get what they want from those in charge these days. The United States of America was built by immigrants who wanted better for their families. In todays world it's different, people are to interested in complaining about the way things are here and not fixing them. They are too interested in getting what they can get for nothing and teaching their children how to work the system from the time they enter this country. In my opinion they rape this country and then stand around and complain it's not enough.

Now we have human rights activist from 4 different organizations yelling and screaming how unfair we are to these "ghost detainees" being unfairly detained. I think the people of the United States need to stand up and remind every one about how unfair 9/11 was and how unfair terrorism is reqardless of whose soil it's on. Why should the good people of this world be held prisioner so the terroist could go free? That's what they are asking for. They are asking this and every government to give them the right to be free and do it again until they come to trial. They are asking the governments to trust the suspected criminal and put the people of not just one country but the world in jeporady. They are telling us the criminal should have more rights then the victim or the good, honest, hard working, people of this and every country. Some how this doesn't sound right. If a person is being detained by the government and is suspected of terrorism then go through the systems like the rest of the criminals when your time comes up. You may not like being detained but sometimes there's no better way to get to the truth.

To all those human rights activist out there I say, think about your family and what you would want for them. Think about how you would feel if your phone rang in the middle of the night to tell you one of your loved ones was killed from a terrorist attact. There's no way you can honestly tell me you would be able to turn the other cheeck and stand up for the person responsible and beg for him or her to be released. Put yourself in someone elses shoes and tell me you would do the same thing. I don't think you can, I know I can't!

It's time to take a stand

2007-05-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

I am sure by now every one has read or at least heard about the plan to attack Fort Dix and kill as many American soldiers as possible that was stopped in it's tracks. We got lucky on this one folks and what are we, the people of the United States of America, going to do about it?

I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how misunderstood the criminal is today. I sit down and listen to the news and hear about some one killing some one else some where and then poof off they go to interview the friends, family, neighbors, even a teacher or two and every one says the same thing. "I can't believe it!" Well, why can't you believe it? There is a person dead and in this case many soldiers could have died because some fools got it in their heads to strike out against America once again. Some one has to be responsible so are we supposed to blame the victim and give the criminal right? Oh wait, that's right, we are in America! They are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Well isn't it funny that these six men did not believe in America enough to stand by her and support her soldiers during this time but, we the people of this great country, have to give them a fair and just trial and presume they are innocent until the investigators on this case make their case free of reasonable doubt. I am having a problem with this.

Here's the problem. I read the parents of one of the young men claim that the F.B.I. is lying. Their son could not have done something so horrible because the United States has been his home and has changed his life and so on. They don't believe it. They feel, like every other parent of every other criminal in this country, their son is innocent and being set up by the police. This wasn't a fly by night investigation. They have been looking into this for the past fifteen months. They have tapes recording training events they did and they have recording of their conversations together saying exactly what they plan on doing, attacking Fort Dix and killing American soldiers. Should we be easy on them and let them go without bail? Should we say it's ok because they didn't mean what they said? In my opinion, no we should not! This isn't walking off with a soda from the corner store, grabbing a ladies purse and running away, robbing the nearest store, although these crimes are bad. No this is a lot worse, because this is treason. Treason against the United States of America and that, my friend, is and always has been punishable by death. If, after all the evidence is heard, they are found guilty there should be no more if, an's, or buts about it. Perhaps if we started to do things old school then the new way of looking at things, as if they didn't care and it didn't matter to them, will change. People have to be held responsible for their actions.

Another thing that is really bugging me is the illegal status of so many in this country today. I am not the type of person to say this is America and you don't belong here unless you are American but I will say this. If a person wishes to come to America for any reason they should do it the right way or leave. I know there are those of you thinking, I have my nerve. How could I possibly understand what you are going through. Well I can and I can because of my Grandparents who were legal immegrants. When they came here they had nothing and they had to work hard to get what little they earned to raise their family. Life wasn't easy for them either. My Grandmother used to do piece work at home besides her regular job, she was a seamstress. Yet no matter how hard they had it one thing they always said was how happy they were to be here in America. They didn't just say these words they proved it by becoming citizens and shedding their immigrant status. My Grandmother often talked of the day she took her oath and how proud she was of that time in her life. What's wrong with today's picture when we have so many illegals that we can't find them. We have so many people who want to work here and take from this country and not give back or they feel if they pay taxes they have given enough. It's time the American people take a stand! It's time we demand our boarders be protected to keep problems like this foiled attempt on Fort Dix and illegal aliens out of our country. It's time we spoke up and let the powers that be know we do not appreciate it if foriegners come onto our soil and make threats in order to make them selves feel better in the name of whatever God they are speaking to. It's time we stopped worrying about using the word God in public places and put prayer back in school and the flag salute back at every public event. It's time we took our country back and demanded one country one language. It's time we let the law makers know we are not going to take it any more so either they do something about this or we will find others who will.

Why Do We Use The Word "Ho"?

2007-05-05T05:08:00.000-07:00

Mr. Don Imus, the famous radio host, is fighting back although that is not the reason I am writing here today. I listened to the news reports of the events of the day he made his racial remarks on the air to the Rutgers University women's basketball team and what amazes me isn't the fact they were upset by his racial remarks that should have been bleeped out anyway. No, what amazes me is they were not upset with his co host for calling them "hos" in the first place. What kind of a society are we living in when it is okay to walk around and call young women these names as if they were a term of endearment! Hello, people! It is time to wake up and teach our sons and daughters to not only have respect for themselves but to have respect for others. Did Mr. Imus make a mistake when he blurted out his so called racial slur? Yes, he did. But what he said on the radio was a lot nicer than most of the songs written in today's culture and that's a sad state of affairs. What he said was a lot nicer than the language we hear walking down the streets but it doesn't make it right. I am not saying that. CBS had the power to block his words and they did not. Yes, Mr. Imus was wrong but some where along the line CBS has to be help responsible for Mr. Imus. After all they have a delay button they can push. The rest of the world falls on the responsibilities of the adults in charge.

I raised three children and I am proud to say they did not raise me. When I told my children to do something and to listen to what I said it was done and they listened. Oh I will not say they hopped to it, they still do not. If we are offended by the way people talk in this world about our children and grandchildren then we need to teach our children and grandchildren to proud of who they are and where they come from. I did not have a fortune growing up and neither did my children. They knew what it was like to struggle in life and that is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact it builds character to not have everything handed to you and to have to work for it. It should make you want to do better for yourself the way your parents want you to do better then they did in life. Yet, in today's society, it is not like that. People stand around and demean one another as if it is the right thing to do. Young men talk to young women as if they have no brains at all and the young women are less then they are and we, the parents, allow it. Not in my house! We have older people walking around as if they are still 16 years old and trying desperately to act as if they can keep up with their children and grandchildren in their every day lives and activities, even in the way they dress. Open your eyes people the world is the way it is because we are allowing it to be.

If I had a daughter on that Rutgers University Basketball team I would not be up in arms only because Mr. Imus made a racial slur. No, my big thing, bigger then my daughter being called "nappy head" is the fact that not one but both hosts called my daughter and every other daughter on that team a "ho". Oh yes, the racial factor does come into play but only after the fact that someone on the radio just called my "little girl" an extremely offensive name for all to hear. My fight would not just be with Mr. Imus and his Co host but it would also be with CBS because they do have the power and the ability to block it with their delay button. If they did not feel the need to have to do something like that at any time during one of Mr. Imus' interviews then why did they allow such a delay button to be used on his show. That three second delay was supposed to give the censors a chance to block it out but instead they allowed it go through. Every one is wrong here, the radio announcers for saying it in the first place, CBS for not blocking them, the team and their parents for only getting upset about part of it. Mr. Imus is a scapegoat because people started yelling racial discrimination but in actuality it was not just racial, it went beyond that. If Mr. Imus was fired for what he said then his co host should have been fired for what he said as well because when I was growing up and even when I raised my children a few short years ago, the word "ho", was not a term of endearment. After all we all know what the term "ho" really stands for and that is "whore" and in my book I don't see it where that is a compliment to any one's daughter.

Happy Cinco De Mayo

2007-05-05T04:28:00.000-07:00

Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone! Enjoy the day, celebrate, but know what you are celebrating for. Most people will tell you today is the day Mexico got it's Independence but that's not exactly right. The day Mexico's Independence Day isn't until September 16th. No Cinoe De Mayo is celebrated in honor of the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862. Fought during the French intervention in Mexico the Battle of Puebla was fought near the city of Puebla and was one of the few victories of the Mexican people had over the French Army. There is a very interesting account of this historical event on Wikipedia @ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Puebla . Check it out and enjoy! Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Stand Up and Be Heard

2007-04-30T05:53:00.000-07:00

I read an article today about young man in Cary, Ill who is being prosecuted for writing a violent essay in school. The assignment by the teacher was to write a creative essay, there would be no censorship. However when the essay was submitted it was handed over to the police and the young man is being charged on two counts.

Here we go again with our freedom of speech. This young man was given card blanch to write what ever he wanted, how ever he wanted to until someone said I don't think I like the way this one went. That someone was the teacher who gave the assignment. She started to think twice about her assignment and thought she better turn this one over to the administration and have them handle it just in case some thing goes wrong some where in the future. Well let's take a look at our great writers of today should we lock them up or fine them. Should Steven King be fined and sentenced to 30 days in jail because of his imagination. I don't think so. Now tell me what the difference is with this young man being creative and someone getting paid for it. He was getting a grade for his work and following the assignment. Obviously with a 4.2 GPA he paid attention in class and knew how to do his work. He was well aware of the assignment made sure he had it right before he set out to do this. Perhaps she should have considered a conference between administration, the parents, and the student to find out why he wrote such a violent essay but then again she may not have wanted to do that because of the way she assigned the paper to begin with. Here is a young man who has never been in trouble and who is in the top of his class doing what he is told to do and now he is about to be put on trial for it and his dreams have been taken away from him. He was signed up to become a Marine and because of these charges the United States Marines have had to drop him from the recruiting ranks. He has already passed his entrance exams as well as his psychiatric evaluation but he will not be able to join the ranks until he is cleared of these charges. This young man did not deserve to have his dreams taken away from him for doing what he was told to do. Did he carry it too far, perhaps he did. Perhaps the final stress of his senior year and all he has had to endure during his time in school made him act out on paper more than he intended to but he put it into words and not actions. He wrote it as a writer would not as a murderer would. He did not pick up a gun and go out there and kill people he wrote an essay, told a story, most people get paid for this. He may get punished. I just don't see where that is right. I think if he followed the assignment then so be it and the if the assignment was out of the curriculum of the school then the teacher should be the one who is being reprimanded not the student. He is not in control of the class only his work and he did as he was told to do as I have said time and again.

I feel with all the violence that has gone on in the news of late they are picking on this poor young man., making him the scapegoat, and taking away his right to freedom of speech, there by punishing him for his creativity. Where does it end? Do we allow this to continue to keep going on? Our ancestors have fought for our freedoms and the men and women of our armed forces today fight to keep us free. Do we spit on this and allow big brother to come into our schools, our homes, our bedrooms and tell us what we can and can not do, think, read, watch, how to act, how not to act. Think about it where do we allow it to end. If we allow this to continue to go on and this young man is punished for listening to a teacher and following the rules maybe the next time it will be you. Perhaps someone will take offense of something you say or do and file charges against you and with the way things are today you will be prosecuted because to someone, some where feells you are offensive in some way. Just like this essay. I may have stepped on a few toes here and perhaps it will draw some attention, perhaps the wrong attention, and I will find myself looking at the possibility of big brother keeping an eye on what I write from now on. Well I believe in the freedom this wonderful country was founded on. I believe in getting rid of those who cause all this mass hysteria in this land of ours and treating this country with the pride it was founded on. I believe it's time for the citizens of the United States of America to stand up and be heard and fight for what they believe in. Take back our freedoms and let the lawmakers know we will not take it any more we have rights and our children have rights as well.

The Right To Bear Arms

2007-04-29T06:04:00.000-07:00

I just read an article on http://www.msn.com/ concerning concealed weapons being allowed at the University of Utah. Should they or shouldn't they in light of the 33 murders at Virginia Tech?

We have the right to bear arms from our Constitution which states in the *2nd Amendment Right to Bear Arms, "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." But some people carry it too far. It doesn't mean pick up a weapon and kill your neighbor because you are upset with your girlfriend or friend or because your wife or husband has cheated on you and you feel you have no other choice. A right to bear arms gives us the right to protect ourselves and unfortunately in this day and age we need to do that not just from attacks of war but from unknown predators even in our daily lives of shopping in the mall, going to school, and sadly enough in some areas of this great country that I truly love with all my heart, sitting in your own back yard.

Should the University of Utah have the right to carry concealed weapons on campus and in the dorms? Why not? If they take the courses that are mandated by the state and pass them and pass the background checks then why not be allowed to carry a concealed weapon to protect yourself? These horrible shootings are not being done against people who are known to have guns in their possession they are going after the innocent, the unprotected because they are cowards themselves. Chances are they would think twice before going after some one who might be carrying a gun. Who might be able to protect themselves. Who might be able to hold them at bay till the police get there. Why don't our children deserve the right to feel safe? I can't tell you the fear that ran through my mind the day a stranger got into my children's school and they had to do a lock down because they couldn't find him. My children were still in the school where was the sense in that? Or the numerous days the school got a call about a bomb in school and the children had to leave the school until things were checked out. We, the people of this great nation, need to stand up and say, "Enough is Enough" we want our streets back, we want out schools back, we want neighborhoods back, and we want our lives back. We no longer want to feel we have to live in fear of something horrible happening. The right to bear arms isn't the right to kill, it's the right to protect and stop the killing. I am not an advocate of guns by no means. I am a believer in living life to it's fullest and you can't do that if you are afraid to go outside and sit in your own back yard and enjoy the day because some drug addict or gang banger is going to intrude on your day and there are many neighborhoods in this country who have that problem. People live in fear. It's time to stop living in fear and take back what's ours, what our forefathers gave us, Freedom! The right to bear arms and protect yourself and your family and hopefully never have to use it a day in your life. To enjoy life to it's fullest and know there is no one who can come into your school, workplace, playground, or home and take it from you. People have a right to live without fear and if that means we need to start thinking about the right to bear arms then so be it. Stop hiding behind closed doors and peaking out through the closed blinds, stop being afraid to get involved, stop looking the other way because of fear and start standing up to the bullies of this nation and taking back what is rightfully ours. Even without a gun you have the power of the people, get involved.

*The U.S. Constitution Online, http://www.usconstitution.net/const.html#Am2

Listen to the Spring!

2006-04-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

Listen to the birds hear them sing their song,
Listen to them chirping as you walk along,
Feel the warmth of the sun warming up the earth,
Plant your seeds, get ready, for the earth's rebirth.
Feel the rain beating down moistening every step,
Each and every blade of grass will waken with some pep.
Trees are budding, flowers blooming, Spring is popping in,
All that slept the Winters days are ready to begin,
To bring some light and beauty into your life each day
A little touch of warmth, a little touch of rain, will set it on it's way.
And when the Spring is ready to leave us don't be sad
For life came to greet us which isn't all that bad.
That life will stay around with us all Summer long
Blessing us with beauty till Autumn comes along.
And when the Autumn blesses us changing leaves of green
Red and orange peeping through fighting to be seen,
The leaves will leave us once again as Winter rushes in,
As we watch the snow fall waiting for Spring to begin.

I love this time of the year! Right now I am baking and getting things ready for Easter Sunday. In this house we are going to have a big holiday dinner cooked by me of course. I love it though! Nice big Italian dinner that when you're done you can't move away from the table. After dinner they all fall asleep and I am left to do the clean up but again I don't mind I rather do it myself because sometimes too many hands spoil the soup so to speak. Right now it is raining out but it is supposed to be a beautiful weekend. I am looking forward to it. I will be watching my son play baseball tomorrow morning and after that back home to finish baking. Easter Sunday up early to cook every thing and rest in between....yeah, right. I get my rest when every one goes back to work on Monday and I get to once again sit at the computer and work on my book. I have my computer right near the window because I love to look outside while I work. Right now the cherry blossoms are in bloom and I am loving it.

Physical Feeling

2006-03-31T22:03:00.000-08:00

By Toni Gamarro-Payne

Have you ever had pain from your head down to your toe?
Not sure where to put your head, not sure where to go?
You really don't feel like much because you hurt so bad,
And talking about it really stinks because it makes you feel sad,
Yet every one always asks how you feel each day
They think they're being sweet, it's the polite thing to say.
What they do not realize is you really don't need to think,
About this pain that haunts you, about this pain that stinks,
Each and every day I push, I try to send it away,
Each and every day it comes and tries to wreck my day,
I can not let it do that, I can not let it win,
I can not give it power, I can not let it in.
With each and every step I take I feel the pain inside,
With each and every step I know that I have tried,
To live each day to it's fullest and enjoy the beauty it has brought,
to appreciate the little things and listen to what I was taught.
I am not the pain inside me I am more than that,
Sometimes I just need for people to know just where I am at.
Please do not feel sorry for me that is not what's best,
Just listen when I don't want to talk or when I feel unrest,
Know it has nothing to do with you just the pain inside,
and when I'm feeling better I'll come on out in stride,
I'll enjoy the beauty that life has brought and relish in it's sounds,
For I know the pain is gone but still it lurks around.

I wish I could explain this to my husband but its hard for me to talk about. 9 years ago I was in a car accident and I was told I was going to ok. I believed those in charge who assured me nothing was wrong but still I had a heck of a time walking. I had lumbar spinal damage that went undetected because the doctors at the hospital felt it wasn't anything to be concerned about yet my Chiropractor felt differently. He helped me and I was feeling better but it was a long haul. During this time I never regained full use of my arms, in that I was never able to raise them above my head again but there was a cracked collar bone and something going on in the shoulder of the other one so I didn't worry. After I met my husband 5 years ago things started to get worse. I was having more and more trouble walking and it got harder and harder for me to raise my arms. A little over a year ago they found out I have both cervical and lumbar spinal damage and they can't fix it. The answers were sorry you have to learn to live with it and it's better now if you do because if you start taking all this pain medication now later.....When you really need it..... There won't be anything we can do. So each and every day I wake up in pain and go to bed in pain and I try not to say too much. I do have some pain medication that I use only if I absolutely have to but on a whole I try not to use it. I'm only 50 years old and plan on being around many more years so I do not want to get used to this medication or that and then be hooked on pain meds for the rest of my life. I don't think I am anything special because there are people out there who suffer a lot more than I do and go through so much more than me and I pray for them every day because they need to be able to rest and find comfort in their day and to be able to smile once in a while. I am able to get on a treadmill and try to work out and I am able to do a little here and there but I guess what I miss the most is my independence. My husband and the kids think an automatic wheelchair will give that back to me, what do you think? I used to drive myself to work, go to the store and food shop, take the kids out, pick one up drop one off what ever I was needed to do. I used to walk 4 miles a day with a goal to reach 8 miles in a day and be at my best physical health. I am proud to say I just made it past the .25 mark on the treadmill but hey at least I did it. I love life, the beauty of it, the sounds of it, there's so much to love and so much to see, I don't want to be sitting in my window the rest of my life and never be able to do for myself again that's a fear and it's a fear that is a reality when I am in pain so bad I can't stand, I can't walk, I can't think. Meditation helps, going inside myself helps, praying helps most of all. I tell my husband it hurts down to my bones and he tells me bones don't hurt it's the nerves that hurt, I don't care I hurt and to me they are my bones but at least I can feel the pain. I have something to be thankful for because I could not feel the pain at all and not be able to use the legs or the arms and then what. I guess, I'm blessed in a way. So you see I am already having my prayers heard and answered because things could be a lot worse.

Happy Times

2005-10-04T05:21:00.000-07:00

Well I turned 50 in August and my daughter gave me a surprise birthday party. She did it all by herself, with the help of my sister and niece for the finishing touches, but basically the kid did every thing and I am so proud of her for it. It was a wonderful night, just my family and a couple of friends because she knew I really didnt' want to go out to have a party. To be honest I told my husband no party at all. I told him I wanted to stay home and have the kids and no else and that's what we did on my birthday. I didn't want to go out and have a big fuss because to me it would have been perfect to have a party in my yard with all my friends and family and not have to worry about the cost of this or that but she wanted me to have one at a resturant and I appreciate it. It's not what I would have done because it's not me but I do understand her reasoning and believe me she did a wonderful job and I totally enjoyed being pampered. We have so many friends and family though that it would cost a fortune to have every one to every party if you had it out in a resturant so that is why I tend to have it in my yard when the weather is good. This coming May my oldest son graduates college and my youngest graduates high school. I intend on giving one big party for the two of them and since it is in the yard I do not have to worry about who I invite or what time it starts or ends, just keep the food and fun coming all night long.
Another wonderful thing that happened to me this past month, my youngest son moved back home. I am thrilled and I think he is already doing better. His outlook isn't so clum and he is smiling so much more these days. He and his father had been having problems for some time and I kept telling him he needed to make the decission to move home so I didn't have to take him out of there kicking and screaming since I have custody and was allowing him to stay with his Dad to see how things went. He didn't want to leave his father alone since he was having problems in his second marriage and playing the lonely soul. Every time he thought my son was going to leave he came up with the poor Daddy syndrome and complained about how his other two children didn't want to have anything to do with him, which isn't true but to a young impressionable teenager, it hurt, so he stayed and took the bull from his father. Well recently it got to be too much. His father really laid it on thick and my son got tired of it and decided the only way out was to change schools and move home with me so we did and shortly after, like the next day, he decided not to go back to Saint Mary High School and go to the public school in my town his father told him and our other two children he was moving to Florida. He claims his boss walked in that moring and told him he needed to go to Florida and work for the company down there and he had only two days to get his things in order before he left. I, of course, knowing the man as well as I do, decided to check it out and found out he has been planning this for a year with his boss. As a matter of fact when he took the job it was told him that it would be a possiblitiy in the future for him to go to Florida and run the business down there for them. He told them he would love it and there you go. Poor Daddy once again out in the cold, doesn't know how he is going to handle being away from kids he never saw when he was here except for the youngest one. He called them from time to time while he was out there this past month and then surprised them with a visit the other day. He still has to finish selling his house and getting rid of a few things before the final move in January but all in all he is going and I am relieved. To be honest with you the minute he came back here my son changed almost immediately and I am worried about him. I am going to call his counselor today and talk to her about it. I don't want him to fall behind because his father is here and on his case again. He has been doing so well in school, keeping up on things and going to baseball practice without me riding him. I haven't had to worry about anything. Being the new kid in school and special needs because he has a memory disorder the school keeps me informed of his progress and he is doing great. Too much pressure from his dad and he slips. He doesn't like his friends, he doesn't like his girl, he doesn't like the way he played a game, or how he handled a situation during the game. He is constantly calling him complaining about something. When he was in Florida my son just didn't answer the phone as much, now I think he feels he has to. His father wants to know why he didn't stay there over the weekend but I am not answering for him. I think it's because here he feels safe, comfortable, taken care of. There they fight a lot, she drinks a lot, he is alway on our son, and they don't even cook let alone food shop so there is nothing to eat unless you order out three meals a day and if you miss the order time you don't eat because they don't order for who isn't there at that time. I had to call and order for my son so many times and put it on my card so he could eat or I had to bring food over to him so he could have it in the house. I am really relieved he's home. God has heard my prayers.

update on new neighbors

2005-10-04T04:47:00.000-07:00

Since the new neighbors moved in there have been numerous breakin's in the neighborhood and a few that didn't actually happen not to metion the car thefts. They were only living here three days when my son went to his car to find his cd player had been taken out. What was really disturbing, it happened in broad daylight. He had been down to the car to get his saxaphone out at 11:30AM, good thing for that, every thing was ok at that time . He came upstairs practiced an hour before getting ready to go teach his music classes at 2:30. When he went downstairs at 2:30 to leave the cd player was gone from the car. We, of course, called the police but there wasn't much they could do except warn us about our new neighbors. Great, the police know they are there and are very much aware of their presence but unless they can grab them doing something they can't do nothing about it. The officer told my son unless he sees him with my sons gym bag or anything else he had taken from his car he can not do anything about it even though they have their suspisions and we understand that you can't accuse someone because they are innocent until proven guilty. Since they moved in I have learned to set my alarm ever day because I am alone in my house all day, just me and the dog. It has gone off for no apparent reason three times. I have had the police here to check things out and it always seems my back door entrance has been opened or there is no apparent reason for the alarm to go off. I am not placing blame on anyone here but it is a scarey thing to have happen all of a sudden. We are now having the back hallway redone and the back doors replaced so there won't be anymore problems with the possiblity of the "wind" causing the door to open because we are replacing the door with a metal outside door. I am not the type of person to be scared in my own home since I have lived in this house for nearly 38 years. I practically grew up here, my father grew up on this block and I have a lot of family still on this block with us. There has never been a reason for me to even fear sending my children out to play because the families here have been here since my father was a child and he is 78 years old. It's one of the reasons I love this neighborhood, this part of my town. It's not like the rest of the town with people changing constantly so there's no reason to live in fear. Yes there are changes, there are some changes no matter where you live. That's the sign of the times but nothing so dragstic you can't still see your neighbors and enjoy sitting outside talking to them on a warm summer night, sitting in the yard sipping a cold drink with your neighbors, or just inviting them in for a bite to eat. That's how it is here and that's what makes the closeness add to it the police in the area get to know every one here on a personal level that when you see them they stop to take a minute to talk and see how every thing is going and if there is a problem in the area. They listen to the complaints and check them out so they keep things running smooth, comfortable. It's not the best place in the world but it's where I have called home my entire life and I want to be able to feel safe. I hate the fact I now have to live with an alarm system on my front door because of people who can't work for what they want and don't care taking what belongs to others is wrong.

Unbelievable

2005-07-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

About ten years ago my daughter walked in on my house being robbed. Thank God she realized what was happening before she closed the door and came face to face with the intruder. She saw the back of someone in the kitchen and quietly turned leaving the house and calling the police from a neighbors phone. She didn't go unnoticed of course because before the police got there she returned to the house, with my ex husband, and they checked to see if the person was still in the house. I know, not smart, but then again, what can I say, that was my ex playing hero Dad. When I got home my Aunt was banging on the front door looking for my daughter as I parked the car. She was in a panic because she thought my daughter was still inside the house with the intruder. Someone had called her and told her my daughter had walked in on the house being robbed. One of my neighbors had wittnessed it. I paniced, opened the door, just as the police pulled up and stopped me from going in the house. They told me my daughter was across the street where she had called from. I looked up to see her coming across and started to cry. The police went through my house but no one was there. They talked to my daughter about what she saw since they had a suspect in mind. She was honest and could only indentify the back of the intruders coat. Yes, it matched that of the person they had but that didn't identify the person who robbed the house. She needed to have seen his face and she didn't. My neighbor, on the other hand, did see his face. As a matter of fact she knew exactly how long he was in my house because she told my sister all about it but refused to talk to the police. She said all I wanted was to collect the insurance money but all I wanted was to protect my family. Every thing taken in my house could be replaced but my daughter could never have been. She didn't understand that. The person who robbed my house lived only two doors away from me. The family moved off the block shortly after that and have been thrown out of one apartment after another since then. This past weekend neighbors have been calling me to tell me a good friend of mine rented his, soon to be empty apartment across the street from me, to the person who robbed my house. I couldn't believe it. I had spoken to him only the night before and he told me he did not rent the apartment. As a matter of fact he went on to tell us how hard it has been for him to rent. I really can't understand that since it's a 4 bedroom apartment and the rent is really reasonable for this area but I figured it was his business. I didn't know if he raised the rent for the new tennants or not and I wasn't going to ask. After I got my calls from the neighbors I spoke to one person I knew for sure would know if I should be concerned about it. My Aunt is the city councilwoman for our area so I stopped by and told her what I had heard and she filled me in a little more on the things this famiy had done since they were last living on my block. She asked me to talk to him and ask him to reconsider renting to someone like that because he was putting the neighborhood at risk. I did speak to him the following night and the thing that upset me more than anything else wasn't the fact that he knew their son was the one who robbed my house but he sounded upset because I knew who he rented the apartment to. He told me he didn't want anyone to know and he wanted to know who told me. I didn't tell him who the people were who called me but I did tell him to understand that the people in this neighborhood don't want this garbage here anymore and they are the ones that called me that was all he needed to know. He told me that he didn't care about his house or anything else. The man came to his house, he had the money, he told him he didn't want any problems in his house, and that was it. The man paid him the money and told him there was to be no problems in his house. I told him, "great did you tell him to make sure he left the rest of the neighborhood alone?" He said he didn't needed to worry about that. "Unbelievable." is all I can say.There are alot of seniors in this neighborhood and alot of single elderly woman who have no one to protect them. Now they have to worry about leaving their homes and being alone again because some one like this is in the neighborhood and the person who rented to him knew he what he is like. Amazing isn't it?

Been Away For A While

2005-07-13T06:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've taken the time to write but there's been so much going on in my life these months that I haven't taken the time to be me. Sad to say but true. I am so glad to finally be getting back to myself. I have to admit it's been a rough road but I'm glad to be back. I had surgery in April and a few other things have had me down since then but I've decided the only way to get back to me is to get my head back to where it should be and one way to do that is to write and write and write some more.

Recently I had someone tell me my writing is adverage, he read a poem of mine, and I told him that was great and I appreciated his imput. I guess he thought he hurt my feelings and he kept trying to appologize but I kept telling him adverage was what I was going for. I enjoyed the fact that he read my poetry and understood it without needing someone to sit there and go over it with him and try to figure out what it was I was trying to say. I enjoyed the fact that any one could read my poems and know I was talking about the thrill of watching a baseball game or the beauty of the morning sun. He didn't understand that. He didn't understand me writing in rhyme either. He said todays poetry was more complex and told more of a story than what I was writing. I have to agree with him there because today when someone has some thing to say they tend to take a word off here or there and chop it up a bit and stick it into poetry form instead of an essay and call it a poem. I'm not saying it's wrong it's their form of writing and that's their way of expressing themselves. Like simplicity is my form and it's right for me so as a writer it isn't important for me to impress every one who reads my work but is important for me to feel good about what I write.

I always believed when you take the time to put you feelings down on paper they should come from inside your soul not from deep in your brain. The words should flow from your soul and through to your pen or your key board, which ever you are using, and in the end they should tell a story or sing a song but they should also paint a picture. That picture should be able to show every one who reads what you have writen exactly what you are talking about. If someone is taking the time to read your work and they have to sit there and strain to understand it and nothing but confusion comes to mind then where is the picture? How are you, the writer, getting your point across? No, as a writer it isn't our responsiblity to confuse the reader it is our responsibility to entertain the reader. Hold their interest, keep them wanting more, however you have to do that so open your heart, bear your soul, and paint that picuture that makes them want to read the next line or turn that page. The choice is yours, wild, strange, intense, or simple, it's up the writer to create from with in so take the time to let it flow and enjoy yourself as you do.

Time Out

2005-03-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

Time Out
It's been a long time since I've taken the time to write a thought or two. I"ve been lost inside myself these days and it's been hard to put my thoughts into words without hurting those I love the most. These days I think it's best if I keep things to myself and pray that better days are around the corner. I believe God wouldn't give me more than he thought I could handle and he should know so I guess I have to look on the bright side and know things will get better.

On Easter Sunday we are expecting some very special visitors from Utah for dinner along with some additional visitors from New York. All in all it should be a great day and I am looking forward to it. Unfortunately my children are going to be with their father now so they won't be here with us but they usually aren't on Easter Sunday since it's his holiday. I hate divorce it messes up the best things in life.

I guess I'm feeling a little tired tonight so I am going to call it a night and try to get back to you soon. HOpefully I will get back to writing more and more every day.

Time Out

2004-12-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

Time OutThis has always been a month of sadness for myself and my family but also of joy. From when I was a little girl I remember the holiday celebrations at my Grandparents house and how much fun we had with our Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and our own immediate family. We would gather around to a huge Thanksgiving celebration everyone popping in at different times of the day but by the end of the evening the entire family was together and using the whole house as our gathering spot. This was the start of our holiday celebration that ended with a huge New Years Eve party! Upstairs my Grandmother and Grandfather lived while downstairs my Great grandmother lived with her son, daughter-in-law, daughter, and two granddaughters. We had so much fun!

When I was five years old that light was dimmed when my Grandfather passed away on Christmas Eve but he made my Grandmother promise to see to it the children enjoyed Christmas as if he was still here. Of course this time of the year it's hard not to remember him and the wonderful times we had with him for the short time we had him in our lives. Those memories bring a feeling of warmth, joy, and love. My Grandfather was a wonderful man who loved his holidays and loved to see the children happy. His love for his family was so strong it could be felt long after he was gone.

When my mother passed away twelve years ago on November 28 she too made my father promise that Christmas would go on as if she was still here. It was her favorite holiday and she didn't want anything to spoil it. She wanted us to celebrate it as if she was still here with us and to celebrate it for her as well. I still do but there isn't a day that passes that I don't think of her. This time of the year is especially hard but I remember the good times we had together and I remember how wonderful it was to share my happiness with her and how good it felt to have her not just as my mother but as my best friend.

I guess I'm writing about this today because I just received word about some relatives of mine and I want to know what it is about this season that brings out the illness in people. My mothers younger brother is sick with a fever of 105 and no one knows what is wrong with him. He's been sick for three days now and we are waiting to hear from the doctor as to what it could be. Her oldest sister is being operated on at this moment for uterine cancer. At 76 years old you would think she would be able to live in peace but no, now she too has to face what my mother had to. As if all of this wasn't enough my Aunt's daughter-in-law, the one being operated on at this moment, is also being operated on today for breast cancer. One phone call from my sister and my world is in a total turn around. What is it with this decease that sneaks up on poor unsuspecting souls and zaps them? How is it that it has so much power and no one has the answers yet how to battle it? Make no mistake fighting cancer is fighting a war!

Last year on December 23 my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 39. I am relieved to tell you she is alive and well. Two months ago she was given a clean bill of health and has returned to work but she still has to go through surgeries and of course she isn't out of the woods yet. It did reach her lymphnodes so God only knows if it will pop up someplace else.

This holiday season I am not asking for anything for myself. I am asking God to give this world a gift! A cure for cancer so people don't have to suffer any more and we don't have to see our loved ones torn apart by this disease. In my 49 years of life I have lost more family members to cancer than any other decease. I know the pain this causes first hand to sit and watch someone die from this disease. My Christmas wish is for a cure so no more of God's children have to be put through this pain of enduring the decease or of watching those they love suffer through it.

Some personal thoughts

2004-08-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't written any personal thoughts lately because I've been working on my writing and trying to get my stories ready for a publisher but I feel I need to write down some things.

Only a short month ago I thought I was going to have a baby. I had mixed emotions, of course, because at my age who wants to start over again. However, I went to the doctor to find out and things didn't go exactly the way I had hoped. When I went to his office for my examination he too thought there was a good chance I was going to have a baby. The ultrasound, he thought, looked like the start of a pregnancy however, the blood test proved differently. The following week I was off to have a few test done. One was a more indebted unltrasound the other a momography and ultrasound of my breast. Both tests held a little surprise. My monography showed an abnormality in my left breast believed to be non cancer. But now I have to go to still another doctor to have a biopsy done on Tuesday. I am not in the least bit nervous about having cancer because I believe it is not there at this time, at least not in my breast. I was also told I have to go for a D&C so he can do another biopsy of my uterus because there is a slight thickening of the uterine wall which is why he believed I could be pregnant.

Here's where I have to admit I am a little scared. I lost my mother to cancer almost eleven years ago. These eleven years I have lived a life where I felt the loss every day and I don't want my children to ever feel that loss because I didn't take care of myself. If God chooses to take me home there is nothing I can do to stop it but if it is because I do not do what ever is necessary to survive then I am depriving my children and my husband of me. I don't ever want to do that. I love them all too much.

My mother had uterine, ovarian, and cervical cancer a long time ago and she beet it. After ten years she was told she had lung cancer and lost the battle. Of course lung cancer has nothing to do with her first cancer but I don't have to wonder how she got it because she was a heavy smoker. I wish I could explain to smokers just how much they hurt their families by not taking care of themselves. Even though I was 38 years oldwhen my mother died I feel the loss every day. My age didn't make it any easier and the fact that my children were so young hurt because they had to grow up without their Grandmother who should have been here a long time. She should have been able to grow old with her husband and that didn't happen because this damn disease. I guess my biggest fear in life is cancer. I am afraid of it. I am terrified I will die here, in this very house I grew up in, never having my first book published, never buying my farm, never seeing my Grandchildren grow up. I don't want that. I want to be here a long time and I am sorry this is such a morbid entry but I have been keeping so much inside me since I found out I may have a problem because I don't know how to express myself verbablly. I write it better, I always did.

This month I am going to be 49 years old. My mother had her first case of cancer when she was just 47 years old. My very good friend just fought a year long battle with breast cancer at only 39 years old and I am happy, thrilled, to say she is doing great when the doctors were terrified she may not do so well since she was so far gone. I lost numerous family members and friends to this horrible disease so yes I am afraid of it. I am terrified I am going to be another one it claims before I have a chance to live my life to it's fullest. Life means so much to me and I do, at times, get frustrated because I am still in the same house I grew up in and my father is still here with me in this house and believe it or not he's still telling me what to do and not to do. At times I want that to stop but then I think about it and I am thankful I have still have him to tell me what to do or not to do. He means so much to me and having to tell him I have to go for a biopsy was one of the hardest things for me to do because I don't want him to worry. He's 78 years old with Parkinson disease. He doesn't need to worry about me but I am a parent too so I know even though he doesn't need he is going to even when I am not facing a biopsy because he is my father and that's what parents do, they care, they worry.

I haven't been able to cry in front of my family because I don't want them to know how upset I really am. I don't want them to know how scared I am so I tell them and my friends it's nothing to worry about and it's probably not but in the back of my mind it sits there that maybe, just maybe mind you, there is something to worry about. I've already made up my mind about treatment or whatever because I have had years of those I love go through this and I know what I would want for me. I made up my mind long before I was told to go for a biopsy because I figure it was something I needed to come to terms with just in case I ever had to confront cancer and I believe the best way to do that is to hit it head on.

Where we live there is so much of this disease and so many die from it but no one has done a study as to why, at least not as far as I know, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know New Jersey is contaminated with this disease because of things like the industrial revolution when they didn't know the dangers of dumping all that garbage into our water and how it was going to pollute not only the water supply but the air we breath and the soil we walk on and plant our foods. I sometimes wonder if it was all worth it. Yes we are a country that has advanced and continues to but at what risk. New Jersey and New York are considered the best places for jobs because of the pay but you know I don't think it should cost me my life or anyone else theirs because there is money to be made out here. Perhaps someone should do a study of the air we breath and how to clean it up as well as the water or the land instead of worrying whether or not gays have a right to be married and fighting to stop it.

Lately I've been feeling a little lost inside myself because I am scared and I am mad because too many look the other way. My being mad isn't a new feeling because I may or may not have a problem. My being mad started even before my mother died. I lost one of the first people I ever loved in life to lung cancer when I was only five years. That person was my paternal Grandfather. I love him so much I can still remember him. He was a big man and I couldn't believe anything could ever take him away from us. Not my Pop! But this disease knows no boundaries and it's not getting any better in Jersey. We need to start thinking about our children and get them out of here. I have asked my children to please think about moving from here as soon as they can. I am begging them not to raise my Grandchildren in a disease infested state. Yes infested and if you don't believe me take a walk on the cancer floor of any hospital in this state. Talk to the family members and friends of these poor people fighting for their lives and share in the joys of those who have managed to escape death but have to hold their breath for the next five years if not more. There was a slogan Jersey used to use and is said "New Jersey and you .... Perfect together." I don't think there is anything perfect in this state when you could smell the pollution as you drive through the park in the town where I grew up. It's so bad it burns my nose but nothing is being done about it. What about the garbage floating up on the shores. My daughter was down the shore with my niece and the garbage that was in the ocean made her sick. Now we aren't talking the bay we are talking an area like Seaside where there are a lot of people in the water every day. A few years ago my ex husband took my children with his wife, for the day to the lake. While they were there the garbage that was floating in the lake was a disgrace but you have to blame the people of this state too because they don't know what it's like to have things nice and clean so they live in filth, they play in filth, and they dumped even their baby diapers in the water. My son got sick with a virus that lasted for months and there was no treatment, the virus had to take it's course. So you see this state needs help and the people who live here need to open their eyes. They need to fight for their state to improve it, to clean it up. The powers that be need to hear us but the clean up has to be more than picking up garbage. It has to go out to the industries of this state and they have to be made to clean up the mess they have made of our air, water, and soil. They have to be held responsible and it should not be a public official who over sees it but the entire community where the clean up is taking place. I don't know how to do it but the offenders should be made to report the community they are infecting and not to someone who will take a kick back to keep their mouth shut. I'm not saying all elected officials are crooked but there are more that are then not.

I look around this state, hell around the area I grew up, and I can't believe how it has been allowed to deterrorate. How much it has changed in the past ten years, 5 years, and not for the better. People are dying because they can't breath the air, drink the water, or eat the food grown in some parts of this state because the ground is just as sick. The cancer isn't just in the people it is in the environment and it is going to take more than a walk in the park to get it cleaned up and help those we love. If I find out I am cancer free I will thank God for that but it still doesn't change things. This is a beautiful country and we are letting it get trashed. We need to figure out what to do to make it well, help it and the people in it heal. One thing we need to realize is drugs that are working on cancer patients in Europe are developed here and allowed to be used there while we do our testing over and over again and take a good 15 years to get it approved to use here. Sad isn't it. We are supposed to be so advanced but we can't help those who live here survive diseases like cancer and aides but in Europe they take the drugs we are working on here and give it a shot because it's better than not trying anything at all or just using whatever we have even though we know it won't work. My God we are so far behind the times all because we are afraid of the insurance companies who will refuse to pay for the treatment that may or may not save my life or the life of someone I love or you love.

I wish I could say I have the answers on how to clean up this state and make life healthier for those who live here and in making it healthier making it happier, but I don't. I wish I had the answers for a cure to this disease but again I don't so all I really did here is vent a little because I'm scared maybe a little more than I care to admit but I promise you if I figure out how to get someone to listen to me and I get more voices willing to take a stand and demand their environment is cleaned up then I will let you know. I will not stop looking for the answers because I think the people are worth it. Thanks for listening to me. I'm sorry I've been so long winded. I promise I will add to my story Spirit Wolf this weekend. Thank you all for listening to me and for coming back to my page. If you like to help fight and find a way to clean up the environment let me know, sign my page. Maybe together we can figure out why the insurance companies have such a hold over our government that they have the final say in how we get medical treatment or don't get it. Sign my page and let's see what we can get started.

I Some Times Wish

2004-06-30T05:37:00.000-07:00

I some times wish that I could be,
A bird perched high up in a tree,
So I can sing a beautiful song
And have others sing along.

I some times wish that I could be
A flower growing beneath a tree,
To give the world a little color
And free the mind of it's clutter.

I some times wish that I could be
The grass that grows beneath a tree,
To protect a child if they fall,
so they will have no scrape at all.

I some times wish that all could see,
All the beauty including the tree.
Stop, listen, smell, and feel,
So life doesn't spin you on a reel.

Giving the FCC Too Much Control

2004-06-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have a little soap boxing to do and I hope you take a moment to listen to me. I promise I will make a point.

It's not that I am a supporter of Howard Stern believe me I am far from it. There are times I have listened to his show and enjoyed parts of it and then there are times I find him rude and obnoxious those are the times I turn him off, it's my right. I have that right because of the Constitution of the United States the same reason he has a right to speak his mind. There is a bill in the House right now waiting to be passed to give the FCC more power than it deserves. I am opposed to that bill not because it would stop shows like Howard's but because it is the first step in the possibility of banning books. This bill gives the FCC the right to say something offends them without having to account to a higher level. They don't have to answer to anyone they just have to say you can't sell that book, or you can't read that book. What about the great books already out there? Are they going to one day decide to take them off the shelves and burn them so that morals of this country remain in tact. Yes I do believe there are some things that should not go across the air waves since radio is a lot harder for a parent to control then television but shouldn't it also be up to the individual what they listen to and what they don't? I am a parent but I feel confident when my children go out into the world they are prepared for what they come up against in life. I prepared them for that and I instilled their morals. Yes my oldest son, now 21, listens to Howard Stern and I asked him one time why he did. He told me Howard makes a lot of sense on many subjects and yes he does get vulgar at times but that has nothing to do with the message he gets across it's just part of is show. He knows how to reach the people. OK, so Howard makes sense and I have to admit I have listened to him and one point I totally agree with was about violence on television. I am not talking about the movies out there today because they are rated and it is up to a parent if they allow a child to watch it in their home. I am talking about the news cast itself every night of the week and how they capitalize on the violence in this world. No they don't curse, they don't show nudity, but they have the right to show the beheading of a prisoner of war. An actual act of violence that doesn't put the actor back together again when the camera stops rolling. There is no way to tell your child that's only make believe because the news isn't supposed to be make believe. Now where do we draw the line. Will the FCC stop the news casters from becoming tabloids such as the Star or Enquirer? Sensationalism is what the news is today and it depends on what candidate the head of the station is backing at the time, the left wing or the right wing. When you have an organization that is willing to give an award to someone like Hanoi Jane, (Jane Fonda Turner, as Ted Turner head of CNN now divorced, ) as women of the year then something is wrong here. Obviously the dictating of what is right and wrong depends on who is in charge at the time whether it is in an organization, news station, radio station, or the person in charge of a country. I always thought it was up to the people themselves at least in this country. I always thought we had the right to vote what we wanted for the better of the people. I think this is one bill that should go to the people. What do you think? Maybe you should let our law makers know.

If you think you should then pass this on.

I'm Proud To Call Him My Father

2004-06-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

This is my husbands eulogy to his father George Payne written here with my husbands permission.

My father, George Arvey Payne, was born on May 10, 1927. He was a loving husband of 59 years, a wonderful father of 6 children, 2 of which are with him now. A man of hard work who believed a day of hard work was a day well spent. A passionate man who exhibited that passion in so many ways, only a few of which include, family, work, travel, nature, adventure, and love of this country.

As every knows, Dad would never turn anyone away, be it family or friend. This love of family was first instilled in him as a young child with the need to help support his widowed mother. His love for his mother enabled her memory to live on long after she was gone as our love for him will ensure he will live on in our hearts forever. He endured many hardships in his time that gave him strength of character which he passed onto those around him.

Although he did work hard for so many years he still managed to spend time with the family. This was quality time spent on family vacations, weekend outings, camping, fishing on many lakes and rivers, and motor cycle riding, all of which we enjoyed immensely. He gave us memories we will cherish always and pass onto his grandchildren and great grandchildren, the numbers of which could populate a small town. I remember one time in particular he came home with this large color television. As he hooked it up, with all of us watching with anticipation, he said he wanted his family to be one of the first in town to own a color television.

He taught us to work hard, nothing is ever handed to you. Be proud of who you are, what you are. Believe in yourself and in your family. He taught these lessons to us through example.

Growing up he was a good provider. In later years he was a good friend. I feel blessed for having that friendship that made him more than a father and I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

The proudest moment of my life was the day I retired from the Navy. I had the privilege of including my father in the ceremony to thank him for making me the man I am today.

He has given me many reasons to look up to him over the years. I always admired his strength. Not his physical strength, his inner strength, his will. There was a time when he was told to change his lifestyle to prolong his life. As he left the doctors office he decided right then and there he would do just that and he did, on a couple of occasions. There aren't many people who could say they have that kind of inner strength.

It has been my privilege to have a father who has become such a gentle, kind, and loving soul. One who is loved and respected by all who knew him. I'm proud to call this man my father.

We all will miss him but I stand here before you to tell you I know he is with all his loved ones who have passed on and he no longer suffers. Perhaps if you close your eyes you cam see him standing on a river bank fishing with his children, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and all the others that have gone on before him. Laughing, smiling, singing a song, telling a joke. These are my memories of him.

On behalf of my mother Carolee, my sisters, Carol, Sandy, Barbie, and myself, I would like to take this time to thank everyone for coming.

Peace be with you.

Enough Is Enough

2004-06-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

I couldn't believe my ears that terrible morning of 911. The sites I saw over the next few days will live with me forever as I know they will live with most Americans. So many people killed and for what? We may never have the answers we want but we already have the truth. We were attacked and our family, friends, neighbors, children were killed because some people on the other side of the ocean don't like the way we live. They don't like our freedoms, they don't believe in our God, my God, your God, they only believe in their God. Sad because their God preaches death ours is loving and forgiving. We all know that no matter what religion we are God is forgiving and loving, not full of hate.

This isn't about religion, all this nonsense going on since 911. Hearings to see if the President knew more than he let the people know for one thing. Well I for one would hope he did know more than we did and perhaps they were in more control than we thought. We may never know that but we can't keep second guessing every one it needs to be put to rest so those who were killed on that fatefull day could finally rest.

Another thing that disturbs me is complaining about the war in Iraq. There's no sense in it. All the people of this country need to remember is 911. I understand there are rules that protect the Iraqi prisoners just like there are rules that are supposed to protect American POW's but it's not working that way. The people of this country need to stop feeling sorry for the Iraqi people and need to realize from the day they are born these people are taught to hate. Not just Americans but any one who is not like them. They teach 2 year olds to hate and distrust while we teach our children to love and cherish that around them. We love our freedom and want what is best for our children, want them to be happy and want to see them do well in life. We want others in this world to feel the same way we feel but we can not force it on them.

I am not crazy about war but I do understand why we went there. I am not saying people should be tortured but I do understand in times of war there are sometimes things that can not be controlled or dictated by bleeding heart liberals. I remember stories of the first American POW's taken in Iraq and how they were tortured and no one cried out for them they just reported the news as if we were the ones wrong no matter what the outcome, no matter how many soldiers were captured, no matter how many were killed, we were in a land where the people didn't want us. We were wrong. Maybe it doesn't make sense to every one why we are there but we are not the President of the United states. We the people elected our President so he can do what he thinks is best for this country and it's people. I will stand behind him and our troops in Iraq and I will pray for their safe return as I am sure so many of you are. What we need to understand is the Government has information, I believe, that we do not have and it should be that way. There is no reason for the news people to be sticking their noses into things that don't concern them. There is no reason for them to be aware of where we are in this fight or what action we are taking next the only people that need to know that information wear the uniforms of the armed forces of this Great Nation.

Although I will stand behind the President I also believe in my heart it is time for the United States to say goodbye to Iraq and it's people and No to others who come to us for help or who we believe need our help to be free because no matter what we are always wrong in the eyes of the world including some of the world that lives on our shores. It is time for the American people to stand up and be counted, to tell the government of this free nation we do not want to keep letting every one and anyone into our country. We want our country back. WE want to be able to walk in a store and hear people speaking engish, to have the freedom to chose whatever language we want to study in school not just a chosen one or two. We want to be able to understand the person we buy our newpapers from in the morning, We want to be able to walk our fair streets with out the fear of a bomb going off or a threat of some kind. What needs to be done in my opinion is to bring our troops home to guard our boarders and start saying no to those who want to come in this country, knock it, hate it, and make their money here so they can bring it home. We need to stop giving money to immigrants so they have a nest egg and open the next 711 in the neighborhood. We need to start taking care of those already here and then worry about new people in the furture. It's time to stand together so those nations around us know we are what we say we are United, as in the United States of America.

We the people, citizens of this great nation, need to stand up and be heard. We need to let those who don't like this country know they should leave, it wouldn't bother us in the least, as a matter of fact it's because of this great freedom we have, every one has the freedom to do as they please, leave or stay, the choice is theirs. There should be rules to become a citizen or be made to leave the country by a certain time if they chose not to be a citizen. Work for what they get not have it handed to them just because,when those born here can't get help they need to do better for themselves. It's not easy running a country, if it were every one would be doing it. So it's not right to second guess what should and should not be done since it is impossible for the people to know all the secrets. If we were told every thing going on behind the sceens through the news then we can rest assure a lot more will die over there and it will be on our side because we had to give up our secrets.

The American people need to remember 911, the fear we felt, the saddness, the crying, the dead. We need to remember how happy the Iraqi's get at the thought of an American's death, the cheers we have heard ourselves from the news cast. We need to remember this is our country and who ever doesn't like it can leave. WE need to stand up and be united, be one, let the world hear us tell them we aren't going to take it any more. If you don't like us go somewhere else to get help if you do like it then become a citizen. The United States has always been a melting pot but right now the pot is boiling over. The citizens of this country need to be one. We need to be United and strong.

My Father -in-law, George Payne

2004-06-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

I am writing this as a goodbye to a wonderful man, my father-in-law, George Payne. I first met him on July 18, 2000 when my husband and I were honeymooning in Colorado. It was a combination see the state, honeymoon, meet the parents but it was wonderful. From the first minute we met I knew what a great man he was. His love for his son could be felt from the way he looked at him.

Unfortunately my father in law passed away on June 9, 2004. My husband Lee and I arrived in Colorado on Thursday for the services and to be there in case his mom needed us. I was more than happy to be there for all of them. I know it is what he would have wanted.

He has been ill for some time but over the past four years that I have had the privaledge and honor of knowing him he has gotten worse. I guess that all started when he broke his hip about three years ago. This past winter we had a scare and my husband went alone to see him and be there in case something happened. I am so happy they had that time together. I know it meant a lot of his father because Dad told me it did when I talked to him and he thanked me for letting his son go. I wouldn't have had it any other way. He was where he belonged.

I remember that first time I laid eyes on Dad. I entered his house as his new daughter in law and he welcomed me with opened arms. During the time we spent at his house both he and Mom made me feel as if I was part of their family and I love them both very much for that. He took me on a site seeing tour showing me all the beautiful sites around their home. I felt as if I had known him all my life.

As I got to know him better I got to know the man himself. What I saw was a man with a big heart. He loved his family more than he could ever tell them so he tried his best to show them in the little things he did for them like talking to them on the phone, visiting them, the ones that lived close enough for him to visit, taking care of his great grandchild whenever they needed him and Great Grandma to do so. In all the times I talked to him on the phone long before I met him face to face he told me he loved me whenever we said our goodbyes. This man deserved to be happy and to be with his family.

From what I could see and the stories I was told he loved to make people think he was this tough guy but in actuality he had a heart of gold. Last summer he opened his home to me and my family. I am so glad my son got to meet him and I am thrilled he got to know my son. After all he was my children's step grandfather and they couldn't have asked for a better one. During the services the children talked about their memories of their father and I wished I had been around then. He was tough when he needed to be but he was always there for them and he tried to make his time with his family quality time by taking them fishing, camping, on vacations, and doing whatever he could do to enjoy their time together.

My husband said in his eulogy to his father that he is proud to call him his father, well I am proud I got the same chance even though it was through marriage. He was a good man, sweet, kind, loved by all who met him, he did what he could to help anyone in need, he was the kind of man you want on your side when times were tough and someone to share the good times with.

He's gone home now to be with the members of his family that have gone before him but he will always be with us. He will be watching over his family, making sure he is there to guide them, letting them know he will never be far. His love for them as their love for him will live on forever.

George Payne was married to his wife Carolee for 59 years. They had four children, three girls and one boy. They are blessed with seven grandchildren, 3 step grandchildren, and 18 great grandchildren soon to be 20. That's a lot of love to give and a lot of love to recieve. I am proud to say I not only knew George Payne, I loved him like a father. He never made me feel like a visitor or an in law I always felt as if I were home. I will miss you Dad, Love You Toni

2004-06-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

The phone rings in the middle of the night and fear grips you because you know something happened you really don't want to hear about. The other night my son was late getting home so I called his cell phone only to find out he was just down the street with my Aunt. Her boyfriend, of fourteen years, died. Although they were never married he was an Uncle to all of uss all the same. True he wasn't young but if you knew him you would never think of his 83 years or so as being old. He was so full of life, always a nice word, a smile that was contagious, and always keeping himself busy. He always said he felt like a young man just the body was getting older. At this time no one knows why he died since he wasn't sick or feeling ill. As a matter of fact he was sitting outside talking to some friends only hours before he was found. For him I pray for a peace everlasting. For those he suddenly left behind I pray they heal. He was an extremely loved man.

Right now I am trying to help my youngest son deal with this. He was sleeping when we found out about the death so I didn't tell him. The next day his father, whom he lives with, took him to school so I didn't get to see him. However, after school his friend picked him up and told him what had happened. My son immediately called me extremely upset. I felt so sad for him. Yes he had other deaths in the family over the years, many of them, but this one he was close to. Perhaps because he is older now he realized how final death is or perhaps it's because the man we are all mourning was always so good to him. He took the time to talk to a sixteen year old boy and get to know him when others just thought he was in the way. He will surely be missed by so many. I have told my son to remember him for all the good he did and for how good he made you feel. I told him to take a lesson from our Uncle's book and remember it's always better to have a kind word to say to someone or about someone. He always looked on the bright side and would help anyone if they needed it no matter what the situation.

I am hoping my son will help us keep up my Uncle's garden and the rest of the property around my Aunt's house as a tribut to a wonderful man. I told him it would make our Uncle very happy to know we are taking care of things for him. Perhaps it will also help my son feel close to him and know even though our Uncle was only here for a short time, like we all are, he will always be with us. In our thoughts, in our hearts, and always watching over us. He touched so many lives and I pray for him to rest in peace. He will be with us always.

Child Support Is More Than Money

2004-06-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

Usually I am a quiet person. I like to keep to myself and care for my family but when some thing upsets me lately I speak out. Is that a good thing? I'm not so sure but a doctor would tell you it's better than keeping it in. At least you won't give yourself an ulcer.

I can only imagine how many woman and men out there got married till death they do part. None of us ever expect to get a divorce or go into it figuring if it doesn't work out a divorce is a option. Yet we know only too many end up that way and with it the people that weren't there to help in the marriage decission get hurt. Who am I talking about? The children, of course. They didn't ask to brought into this world. They don't even ask for anything we shouldn't be willing to give, just love and support.

Now although it is usually the woman that is given custody and recieves child support from her ex spouse there are times that it is reversed and the father has custody of the children and the mother pays child support. I guess one of the things that bothers me about divorce is the inability to have your support on time. I'm not talking about allimony because for me I gave up my right to that. I wanted the little bit of money he was willing to give to go directly to my children. At first I thought it best if I collect my support every week, that was a mistake.

I am sure there are many of you out there who listened to their lawyer and gave their ex spouse a chance to pay on his or her own. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out. I had to run around and chase him for the money and then I had to put up with his insults besides. Not for nothing but I am no longer married to him why would I want to have so much contact with him except for the children. After a while I had to stop working due to an auto accident. Unfortunately that put me on public assistance, or was it unfortunate? You see by having to get help from the county their probation department got involved and he was immediately put on probation so they were sure I was getting my support.

Now here's the catch 22, if he sent them support for my children I didn't get it but once a month instead of once a week but it turned out they held onto it at times for two months at a time before I recieved the money that was supposed to help me not need public assisatance. What a joke. He gave me $ 100 a week for three chidren but it never got to me on time. The county turned out to be just as bad as he was. After a while of him paying through the county they sent him a letter, on a number of occassions, telling him he was behind. He had to appear in court with his cancelled checks and any other proof he had that he paid the support and if he didn't he had to bring the money with him he was in the rears for. Half the time they came up with some reason not to send me the entire amount at one time and again I was left waiting for support for the children.

After I remarried my ex asked me if I would consider taking him out of the system. He promised he would pay me on time and I agreed. It's amazing it didn't take him all that long to be removed from the system and forgotten about. It also didn't take him all that long to fall behind. He decided since he has my youngest son now living with him he doesn't need to help with the older two who are working their way through college and getting every and any college loan they could. He sees nothing wrong with not helping them because he feels he takes care of the expenses of our youngest son. I never gave up my custody to my ex so if I wanted to pursue it and go after him for support I could but the truth of the matter is the money, at this point, isn't that important.

What is important is he isn't there for the older two children and never has been. My oldest son, now 21, said he wishes his father would have allowed him to live with him for a while. Not because he didn't want to be with me but because he needed to have his father around. He needed that time with him, to get to know him, to bond. He never had that. As a matter of fact he was and still is the type of father who never took his visitation unless it was forced on him and I didn't like to force the issue because the children felt unwanted by him and his wife.

Yes it is important to recieve the financial support from your ex but more importantly the children need the emotional support, the love and caring of two parents. You don't have to stay together for the sake of the kids but you do have to be there for them no matter what. They need to know they are still going to have two parents who will always be there for them. Too often when the parent the children do not live with remarries or finds someone to spend time with they forget they have children. They don't make the time to be there and then when something happens the question will be to the parent in charge, "Where were you?" or "What were you doing when all this happened?" I can't tell you how many times my ex accused me of not paying attention to them because their grades slipped or they got hurt doing something around the house. The funny thing was since the day my daughter was born 22 years ago, he was never there. He never saw anything unless it was something he could complain about. My children can tell you if they got a 99 on an assignment their father would complain it wasn't a 100 instead of being proud of their accomplishments.

Parents need to remember to tell their children just how proud of them they are. They need to show their support as well as give it. They need to be there for the children today because too many of them are losing their way. We can blame the schools, the police, the neighborhood we live in, but what it really comes down to is the parents. Yes we go to work, we're tired, at times worn out but we are parents and we need to take a page from our parents or grandparents book and pay attention to our children. Know what they are doing, know who they are, know what they want in life. Teach them to believe in themselves and to know they can be anything they want to be some just have to work at it harder than others.

Memorial Day 2004

2004-05-31T05:48:00.000-07:00

Reading the newspapers, hearing how so many have died in Iraq since the start of this war on terrorism, and knowing how many more are still there on this memorial day should be a wake up call for all Americans. I know this war has gone on longer than we had hoped, then we believed, but no matter how long it takes us to get our soldiers home our support for them should never falter. The American people need to stand behind all those brave young men and women still out there fighting so we can be safe. No matter how much we doubt the reason they are there we should never take away our support of the soldiers still there fighting so we can be free. I have had family fighting in wars for this country since World War I, my husbands family goes back to the start of this country, to the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Needless to say we believe in this country and all it stands for and to get what we have here many have died for, to preserve it. Today is a day to honor those lost and those still fighting, still serving, willing to give their lives for what they believe in.

I think it's also a time for the American people to sit back and thank these brave men and women for all they have because without them we may not be the country we are today. From the beginning we fought for our independence and won it. With it came the responsibility of keeping it, keeping the people of our great nation free. I don't know about you but I think they have done a good job. I want to take the time to thank all those soldiers past and present for making sure I can walk in a free land, breath free air, know the pleasure of being able to decide for myself what I will do with my life. FREEDOM people, it's something we take for granted. Not just all who are born here but all who come here to make this their home. They come from a land where people are starving, living on top of each other, in shacks, whatever the conditions they come here for a better life then they knock it. This country was founded by immigrants and it was immigrants who have continued to fight for it. My grandparents came from Italy and their children fought for this country. I am proud to say my grandparents became citizens because they believed in the American way. They wanted to be a part of the country they lived in and they never stood here and told me how things were better for them in Italy. They always told me to be proud I am an American, proud of this country and those who run it. Yes they will make mistakes along the way but life here is different then any where else and we should consider ourselves lucky to be able to live it the way we want to.

There's an old saying, "Stop and Smell the Roses." Everyone should stop and think for a minute today about what they have in their life to thank a soldier for and the next time you see a young soldier in uniform take a moment to say, "Thank you for all you have done for me." I was touched by a woman I met in the doctors office recently. We started talking while our husbands were waiting to receive a test. I mentioned my husband was retired Navy. When he came out to the area we were waiting in she thanked him for serving this country for 20 years and keeping us safe from harms way, keeping us FREE. In my opinion it wouldn't hurt to say thank you, let the soldiers know just how much we do appreciate the air we breath. Even if you don't agree with why we are there any more you have to admit if it wasn't for them past and present we may not be able to have to new house with only one family living in it, the two cars in the driveway, and anything else in life we take for granted. Yes we earned it, worked hard for it, but without the Freedom to achieve it....Think about the word FREEDOM. What does it mean to you? How did this great nation obtain it? How can we keep it? With out freedom we may not be able to talk about not agreeing with the way our President runs our country, and the law makers on Capitol Hill. Think about our children and teach them the pride they should have not only the house they live in and the things they posses but in the land they live in. Teach them to be Proud of their Flag and the soldiers who fought to keep it hanging high, to keep the air they breath free. We are Americans from the United States of America, this is our Glory!

2004-05-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

I have to say I am really scared this War for Iraqi Freedom is about to turn into, if it hasn't already, another Viet Nam. Listening to the news this week and hearing how our soldiers are being ridiculed for their treatment of Iraqi prisoners concerns me. I know it's not right to abuse anyone in this world but it seems to me the people of this country that are crying out how unfair we, our soldiers, are to those poor prisoners are forgetting the horror stories of our soldiers who were held by the Iraqis. Not just our soldiers but what about the civilians that were P.O.W.'s have we forgotten them and some of the scenes we saw? We are in a land, once again, where they don't want us, so let's leave. Let them destroy themselves, not us. My husband served in Desert Storm and although I was not married to him at the time I am still proud of what he did for our country. Every one is worried about finding or not finding as the case may be, these weapons of mass destruction. Well I have not been in Iraq but from what I am told there are many places these weapons can be hidden or even buried. Look where their great leader was found. What makes you think if he would bury himself underground he wouldn't bury his weapons. With all that sand how long do you think it would take to find where they were hidden? Some people are outraged at the treatment of these prisoners but I have to ask this question, Have you really forgotten what they did to our men and women when they were held prisoners? Is it really so easy to forgive and forget because you aren't there to see it up close and personal? Well it's not easy for me because not only do I remember what happened only a short time ago I remember how the American People turned against our soldiers in Viet Nam. Don't let that happen again stand up for our Soldiers, stand behind them and put yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine the horrors they have seen not just in war but in this so called time when we are there just to help them rebuild and have lost more soldiers now then when we were fighting. We are not there so we can not say what is truly happening and what isn't but we were here on 9/11 and that I will never forget. It was a violent act against this entire country. For those among us who served in Iraq perhaps you should help educate the people of this country on just how wonderful the Iraqi people think we are. How they teach their children to hate us from the day they are born so that when they think of Americans they think of killing. Our soldiers may not have done everything by the book but it doesn't need to be paraded on National television it needs to be taken care of by Our Government not the media. In my opinion the Media is our worst enemy and they need to step back and let the Government do their job and perhaps remember all of their co workers who have been sent there and aren't going to be coming home.I am no different then anyone else in this country, when I heard the stories about the mistreating of the prisoners I was shocked but I also remembered the stories of our soldiers who were P.O.W.'s and wasn't there just a beheading that was televised not to long ago? I am not saying two wrongs make a right I am saying the media needs to let the right people do their jobs then they can have the story they are supposed to be looking for, The Truth!

I do believe in freedom of the press, especially since I am a writer, but I do not understand the need to poison the public against our soldiers. None of us want to see them there but to report things that would turn this country against the soldiers at a time when the majority of them need to know we are behind them, doesn't make sense. We are a people who believe in fairness and would not want our sons or daughters mistreated if they were somehow caught and held as prisoners but in reality we know things don't always work out that way. Of course we would expect something to be done about the matter just as we would expect something to be done about the mistreating of prisoners, if in fact that is what happened, while in our care but let's not try it on the six o'clock news, is what I am saying. Let the proper authorities do their job. Let them investigate the allegations and do what they are there to do. You can't take a word from a statement and turn it into a story you need all the facts to be a good, honest, respectable, journalist. Find out the rules of the Geneva convention before you start accusing, then investigate to see if the allegations are true, hence the word investigative reporter. Above all remember a person is innocent until proven guilty.

2004-05-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

Twenty one years ago Memorial Day became extra special to me because it was the day my oldest son was born. Now I had two children in my life that brought me joy and happiness! Two children I was able to love, cherrish, and yes, spoil just a bit.

Memorial Day has always been a special day for me when I was growing up. Not only did it start the weekend bbq's but it gave us a chance to say Thankyou to all those special veterans in our lives. In my family, on my block, there were a lot of them. I had Uncles and neighbors who survived prison camps in WWII, most of whom didn't like to talk about it. I also had friends who served in Viet Nam and came back to a world of hate for doing what the Government sent them to do. What Americans seem to forget was they didn't just go there on their own they were ordered there and did the best they could do to fight for what they believed in, Freedom. For this we need to say Thank you to those who fought so we can walk free today.

I am proud to say my husband, of four years this July 16, is retired from the United States Navy where he served 20 years. Most of that time he served as a Corpsman. Since we met and married I have met many a Veteran who told me how happy they were to meet my husband because he was a Corpsman and for all they knew he may have been one who helped to save their life at one time or another.

It's sad we have to send our young men and women to foreign shores to fight for others, but in fighting for others to have their freedom they are still fighting for us to keep ours. Think about it! If freedom is lost to others then it will one day be lost to us because we will be at the mercy of the next Hitler who wants to rule the world or any other terrorist who feels he can walk into this country and do whatever he pleases because they hate what we stand for, LIFE, LIBERTY, PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS!
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL WHO SERVED OR ARE SERVING!

2004-05-07T04:58:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning to rain and dark skies but it seems to be brightening up. I have a few errands to run before I have to go to my sons game tonight. He had a great game yesterday. He went 3 for 4. Hit a homerun in the first inning drove in two of the three runs scored. They won 3-0. Not bad for a sophmore playing varsity ball. The team's record is 12-6. They have a tough week coming up starting with tonights game. Go Saint Mary's!

All American Game

Baseball, the all American game,
No two players are ever the same.
Ruth, Mantel, Di Maggio,
Some of the names that made you go,
Watch the game, cheer them on,
Still cheering long after their gone.
New faces and names,
Yet the game is still the same.
Four balls you walk, three strikes your out,
Hitting the ball is what it's about.
Rounding the bases to cheers from the crowd,
Doing your job makes you proud.
Win or lose it's how you play,
No matter what the fans say.
Some will boo others cheer,
Bleneded sounds is what you hear.
Makes no difference what they say,
Baseball is what your here to play.
Stand as a team together and strong,
The crack of the bat is your music, your song.

2004-05-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here looking out the window enjoying the beautiful sunshine. I love this time of the year. Everything is in bloom. In my town the streets are lined with cherryblossom trees that have already lost their blooms but have become a beautiful green shade tree for the summer months ahead. Our park is even called Cherryblossomland. It's beautiful to see when all the blossoms are in bloom. People come from all over to see for themselves this collection of beauty. On Sundays the park is filled with families and friends who go to see the beauty and soak it all in. It makes you realize just how short life really is and how important it is to notice all around you. The blossoms are only in bloom for two weeks and if you miss it you won't get to see it again for another year. Sad but true, the comming of the Cherryblossoms marks the start of new life for a new season short lived.

I am enjoying my life and those around me because a long time ago I learned just how short and percious life really is. Not just by lossing those I love. Twenty two years ago I almost lost my life as well as the life of my daughter when I was giving birth to her. I am so thankful to God for giving me the chance to raise her into the wonderful woman she has become. I am thankful for being able to see that beauty emerge as well as being thankful for the ability to see the beauty around me. This time of the year is so colorful and bright. It makes you realize just how wonderful life really is. Sit outside, close your eyes, listen to the sounds around you. Yes there's traffic noises but what about the sounds of the birds chirping, the plane over head, dogs barking, children playing, the lawn mower going, laughter of neighbors as they meet and talk over the fence joining their yards, and the sound of music drifting out from a nearby window. These are some of the sounds I hear as I close my eyes and listen. At the same time you could smell the freshly cut grass of your neighbors yard, the lillies you planted a week earlier, the scent of the marigolds in bloom, in other words the smell of spring, the smell of life.

Today I am going to watch my youngest son play baseball and for a short time lose myself in the game. I love watching him, seeing the young man he has become. The changes that have occured to him as he matured into the young man that stands before me, not only in his behavior but in his game of baseball. I am so proud of my children. I know I talk about them alot but when you think about it I have a right too. I was a single mother for seven years of their lives but even when their father was with us, he wasn't. My children have become the people they are because of who they are not because of their father or their mother but because of their love for those around them and their belief. Perhaps I am responsible for their belief part but each of them has a love for something in their lives that drives them to be the best they can be. For my daughter, the oldest of the three, she is a social worker who works harder than anyone I know to get what is needed for the people she tries so hard to help. I think it's because of the way we struggled in life that she fights so hard for the children she councels. She listens to them as they call out in pain without really saying too much. You see it wasn't all that long ago she was going through the same pain and I do honestly believe she works so hard for them so they don't have to live through the pain she did as a child. Yes I was always there for them but their father was another story. Now as he has aged some he is beginning to realize just how much he missed and how short life really is. I hope he has the time to get to really know these children and appreciate them. My oldest son is a music education major. He found his peace in his music even though he knew his father beleived it to be a waste of time he kept at it and now he is working toward a degree in music education because he wants to pass on his love for music to other children just as his music teachers have done for him. I am so proud of him. When I think of him teaching it brings tears to my eyes because I always wanted to do just that. Teach the little ones and watch their eyes light up when they get it right. I used to be a preschool teacher but my health now hinders that. I do miss it though. And my youngest right now is focusing on baseball. Perhaps one day he will see his dream to be the best he could be in baseball and play for the pros. I pray for him and his dreams. He is young and that could change but if that is what he truely wants I do believe he will have it. Three great children who have taught me a lot in life too and I am proud to say they are mine. They give life a new meaning every day. If I didn't take the time to stop and enjoy there might have been something I would have missed in their growing up. I am so glad I never missed a beat. I remember every day of their young lives and I hope I am here to make many more memories for myself and for them.

My husband is the step father but he loves them as if they were his own. For this I love him even more. No one could have asked for a better man then he and I was lucky God saw fit to introduce us. When I met my husband four years ago I was reborn. He bought laughter into my life that went beyond that of a mother and her children, I was a woman in my own right for once. He taught me how to live for me and not just the kids. He taught me it was ok to think about myself from time to time. Now this was something I never did even when taking the time to smell the roses I never really took the time to breath when I did. He is the reason I now smile and the reason I remember so much of my past and have come to terms with it bringing on a new life for me, a rebirth if you will.

I hope every one stops to think just how precious life really is and how wonderful it could be. It doesn't take that long to breath and soak it all in. A minute or two is all you need to start but after you get a taste of it I can promise you, you will want more.

2004-04-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me I looked rediculous always smiling and I couldn't understand why it bothered them so much. Recently I have gone through some hard times in my life and my mind didn't know how to sort it all out. It bothered me and still bothers me to this day how my being happy annoyed so many people. What's even more amazing is now that I have gone through some tough times, not that I hadn't before but these times were the icing on the cake, these same people are happy to see me on the down side. It's as though I joined their club. I can't and won't have that. It's not for me to look forward to a life of sadness because it makes other people happy. I have to be me and inside myself I am still smiling just having a hard time bringing to the outside. I have made a decission to try and bring that out as much as possible. It's not that I want to upset those around me by smiling and being happy it's that I want to make myself whole again.

I was divorced from my first husband of twelve years almost nine years ago. He remarried within eight months of our divorce to one of the women he had an affair with over our twelve years of marriage. My marriage wasn't all that great obviously but I loved him with all my heart and did from the day I met him ten years before we married. All together, before we divorced, we were together twenty two years. You think you would know a person. Like they say you don't till you live with them. My first husband was self centered after we married and who knows maybe he was before but I loved him so much I didn't see it. Then we had children. Our first was born within the first year of our marriage. You would think things could only get better from there but then you would be thinking wrong but that is what marriage is all about, ups and downs. You are a couple and you work through them together but my husband didn't like the weight gain with each child and he didn't understand a tired wife who was up all night and day with a sick child. He understood his wants and needs and they were to come first above all else. In his eyes I ruined his life and he let me know it every day of our life together even after we split up. It's only recently he has started to talk to me like I am human but that is only after he tore me down completely.

Over the past few years he has tried to get my youngest son to move in with him and no matter what he blamed me for every thing that went wrong in his life. My son kept telling me his father was lonely because he didn't have any of them living with him and he isn't happy with is second wife. When I remarried he tried to get all three of our children to move out because he didn't like my husband and tried all he could to ruin our life together. The two boys had no problem with my husband but my daughter, who is the oldest, still has a problem with him or the fact that I married him. He has never done anything to her except try to be there if she needed help but she can't stand him acting out or getting upset over anything so he is one that needs to put a smile on whenever she is around. Horrible way to live I say. One day she will realize he is the way he is because of who he is and he cares the way he cares for the same reason. He doesn't have to be here and he doesn't have to help them but he does because he wants to not has to. Anyway back to my ex, he worked hard to get my youngest son to move in with him this past summer. He actually bought him everything he could possibly want for his room and gave him the room of his dreams, upstairs attic away from everyone. Perfect for the teen who wants to be left alone. He didn't, however, give him a family life. From day one my son has called me he's hungry, there's no food in the house because they don't food shop because she doesn't cook. The only time he gets a home cooked meal other than from me is if his father stays home and cooks. His fathers hours are off the wall and varry from day to day so it's hard to say when he will be home. It was hard for my son, at first, to stay alone in the house because his father was out at work and his step mom wasn't home. Now that he's getting older it's getting easier for him to live there but they still forget he's only 16 and think nothing of going to Atlantic City for the night and leaving him home alone. He usually comes and stays in his room here with me on those nights. I hope they do that a lot in the future. Since my son moved in with him my ex has stopped giving me child support even though my other two are still in college and need his help. He pays for nothing as far as their school is concerened and thinks the little he is doing for our son now makes up for the years I took care of them on my own. He tells me the money he gives me for the other two is now going on the care of the one. I can believe that because he only gave me a hundred dollars a week for the three all together and we all know what it costs to support children these days. The thing is I didn't take care of one child I took care of three and I didn't pick one over the other all of my children were the same. They still are. When my son moved in with him I was devistated but I understand how he felt. What was horrible was my ex husband waited for the right time to do this. When I wasn't looking.

In July my father had a heart attack. I was terrified for him. He was 75 years old with a busy life style. I got the call from a freind of his that she had driven him to the hospital. When she called he was already in surgery having a procedure done to fix things. When I got to the hospital my family was there waiting. Over the next few days we went back and forth to the hospital to see my father. On this particular Saturday I went to see my father, it was the day after his attack, when I came home I asked where my youngest son was. My children informed me he moved in with his father. Seems he thought it was time he had his son with him so he could help him improve his baseball skills for school in the fall. I have to admit this was the straw that broke the camels back. I fell apart and for the next two weeks I was lost inside myself and no one understood.

Everyone thought that because he only moved a town over I shouldn't be upset because I could see him any time I wanted to and I could take him to and from school whenever he needed me to. Unless you are a parent you can't possibly understand the pain I felt but I do understand it was nothing against me. My oldest son said it best when he told him it was something my son needed, something he wished he had but his father never gave him the chance. A boy needs more than what a mother can give him and my son needed to have all the help he could in baseball since this is his dream in life. I did feel however, that this was another way for my ex husband to strick out against me and cause me pain when he thought I had suddenly found the perfect life. I had remarried and was happier than anyone could have imagined me to be even with the problems of joining my children to a stepfather. I told them to look at him not as a step father but as a freind that will always be there for them no matter what and he is. No matter how hard it is at times he is there for this entire family and he was there for me through this tough time in my life. I think the thing I enjoy so much now is the seeing the realization of parenthood hit my ex husband every now and then. Once a while he shows he does know how to be a father but he used to know how to be a husband every now and then too. It's too bad he doesn't know how to maintain it. Raising a teenage boy is more than he thought it was going to be and now he is about to find out it's harder when you aren't around. His hours have changed at work and he won't be there in the evening which means my son is once again going to be without dinner and without company in the evening hours. Good thing I'm not that far away.

These are the two things that broke me and took away my smile for what has seemed to be forever. Oh there was a lot more that lead up to this but why bore you with all the details. Every one has hard times in life but it all depends on how you handle them. In the past I would laugh it off and move on but for some reason I wasn't able to do that. Maybe it's the realization my father isn't invinsible but what ever it is I can't let it ruin the rest of my life. I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps so to speak and move on. I have to smile not only inside myself but outside as well for all to see. I think what made me see it that way is the news I recently got from my doctor. I resently had an MRI done of my cervical spine and have been told I need a spinal specialist if I intend to remain walking. You know I intend to do just that and more. I also intend to do it with a smile on my face and a possitive thought in my head. I know it's not going to be easy because when I feel the pain I feel I am reminded things aren't perfect in this not so great body but pushing on is the only way to go. I'm not so sure I want a doctor poking at me but I do know I want to be here with a smile on my face, in my heart, and laughter in my eyes for my grandchildren to see one day so I can share in the joys of their lives. My husband tells me he wants the real me back I am trying hard to give him just that. I know he understands all I have been through since he has been there as well for the past four years but he doesn't know about the recording that plays over and over again in my head of my life and how hard it is for me to push it away now for some reason. I have to push it away if I intend not to let things from the past get me down and take away my life, my light, my smile. My mother used to tell me my smile would light up a room. I think it's time to turn the lights back on and move forward. I think it's time to write and be myself and show my happieness in my words, my heart, my eyes which are the mirror of my soul. Happier days are coming and happier writings are inevitable. Smiles to all and may your most precious dreams come true.

2004-04-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

It feels so good to be in front of this computer and writing this morning. It's been so long since I've been able to post anything. I've been running around lately like a chicken without a head. My husband wants me to slow down but it's going to be a while before I can do that. My day starts out about 6:30 A.M. when I make my husbands lunch, for him to take to work. I hate sending him off to work with out it because he drives a truck, locally, and it's hard for him to stop and pick something up. These past couple of weeks he has to bring me to my friends house to pick up her car in the morning so I can drive her children to school for her. I usually have my own car but my sons been using it since his broke down and he needs one to get back and forth to school and work. At the moment I am also taking my daughter to and from school, she attends Kean University, plus to her internship and her two jobs. We are looking at cars for her as I write this. Hopefully she will be set in a couple of weeks.

In Septemeber my friend, Iris, who had moved to Rhode Island a couple of years ago, moved back to New Jersey only a couple of blocks from my house. It was hard for her since she was seperated from her husband and has two small children ages 10 and 8. Iris is an Amtrak police officer who is on the night shift plus she is in the National Guard. At the time she returned to New Jesery she was working Homeland Security so her hours were extremely hectic and she needed someone to take care of the little ones in the morning. At first she was working the morning shift with the National Guard so there was no one home with them in the morning because their oldest sister, who is eighteen, had to leave earlier then they did for school. I was more then happy to pick them up for school in the morning and take them home after.

It wasn't long after school started her hours increased because she went back to working with Amtrak nights on top of her duties with the National Guard. Unfortunately within a month her duties with Homeland Security increased since they were now on a twelve hour day due to high alert. By the end of September she was one busy woman and I only got to see her on her days off.

This is where the story really begins. In October I went to visit Iris and her family on her day off. When I got there her husband was there visiting with the family as well. They had been working on talking this through and he was spending some time with the children. While I was there he asked me to talk to her about going to the doctor. Seems she found a lump in her breast but missed her appointment because she forgot. Her schedule was getting the best of her but she needed to make time for herself to get it checked out. I promised her I would go with her if she rescheduled the appointment. Before going to the doctor with her she and I had a long talk. She was concerned about her children in case she got called to go to Iraq. My husband and I went to see her on family day with the National Guard and before we left we talked to her about allowing us to take care of the children in case she was deployed. Although she and her husband were talking and he was visiting the children she didn't want him to take them because she was concerned he wouldn't be there for them. He would for a time but then he would do what he always does and start thinking about himself and they needed more than that. Since my husband is a Retired Chief Petty Officer of twenty years and served in Operation Desert Storm he understood her concerns more than I ever could. I met my second husband after he retired. We will be married four years this July 16th. Iris was so happy we approached her about this. I think we eased her fears somewhat.

The following week I went with her to the doctors office for her exam. I knew there was something there since I finally got her to tell me on the way to the office what she found. Her breast had a lump that was visible to her because it was causing a deformity to her breast. It was becoming inverted. I didn't tell her how scared I was but promised her no matter what I would be there for her. When she left the doctors office she knew no more than when she went in except they wanted a momography and if they saw anything questionable they wanted an ultrasound. To my frustration it took nearly a week for her to get scheduled for the test at the hospital and two weeks to get the results from the doctor. By the time we went to the doctors office it was already close to the end of Novemeber but he knew no more than when we first started out. He told her the results of the test showed nothing but he wasn't a breast specialist and wanted her to go to one he recommended. He also told her he didn't think she had anything to worry about that whatever was there wasn't cancer. Of course she asked him how he knew that since he never took a biopsy but he didn't give her an answer to that one. Of course by this time the hours of her jobs were getting to her and she had to leave Homeland Security in order to keep her regular job with Amtrak.

When Iris called the specialist she had to wait almost two weeks for an appointment. I was so frustrated I told her to call and do some yelling to get in there faster but she didn't want to upset the office staff afraid if she needed them for anything they wouldn't help her because she was hard to deal with. I guess I understood what she was saying but I also knew she had to be seen because she was getting worse and the longer she went with out treatment, reguardless of what her GYN had said, the harder this was going to be. Her breast specialist knew the moment she saw Iris what she was looking at wasn't good and did a biopsy in the office. She was putting a rush on it since she was going away for Christmas the following week and didn't want Iris to go to long before she heard anything. Iris got a call from the doctor on Christmas Eve that she had breast cancer, Merry Christmas. Unfortunately this message was left on her machine since the doctor wanted to let her know before she went away for the holidays but she said she would be calling her back to discuss things with her during her vacation and she did. However, it never seemed to fail they were playing phone tag for almost a week. By the time Iris got in to see her it was after New Years. Look at the time frame here. Iris found her lump sometime in September, got to the doctor in November, was told nothing was found but needed to see a speicalist, doesn't get in there till December and then has to wait till January to get things rolling in the right direction. We're talking almost five months, not a good thing in this situation.

The day we went to see the onocologist Iris' husband joined us. He had promised he would be there for support however, it didn't stay that way and evenutally during the time of her treatment she had to break ties with him so she could concentrate on healing herself and not worrying about her relationship with him and how he was letting the kids down. She needed to be well and that's what she needed to think about. The onocologist told us since the lymphnodes were not tested yet that she could only guess what stage Iris was in and that is going under the assumption it hadn't reached the nodes yet. Her assumption was stage 3A but if the nodes were effected it would of course as much as 3B possibly 4, the final stage. I told her we weren't going to think of that but we were going to concentrate on getting her well the stage didn't matter. Of course I told her it was easy for me to say since I wasn't the one going through this but I wouldn't leave her no matter what. Iris was 39 years old at the time she turned 40 only a couple of weeks ago. Her battle is still going on.

Before the end of her second chemo treatment Iris recieved a letter from the hospital that did the momography and ultrasound telling her the test was clear. Boy were they way off. After her first two months of chemo they were happy to say they could operate and remove the breast, start reconstructive procedures, and resume chemo two weeks after surgery. However, things didn't go as planed. Iris did have the breast removed and they did start the reconstruction but the chemo is at a halt because she has an infection in the sight. She needs rest and I do whatever I can do for her and the children. Before she had the surgery she was alone. Her mom lives in Rhode Island so Iris went through chemo with me close by her side and a few freinds from work pitching in whenever they could. After her treatments she was sick for days but when she wasn't we spent all of our time together shopping, starting a business together, and having dinner together every night. I was taking care of two families but I didn't mind because she needed to have her friends around her and she needed to know no matter what her children will have us. She and I talked on a number of occassions, during the first few weeks of her treatment, about what would happen with the little ones. At first things were going ok with her husband and she thought it would be a good thing to have him there for them if anything happened to her but she wanted me and my husband to handle their inheritance because she was afraid their father would squander it leaving them with nothing for college. I agreed but by Valentines Day he returned to his old ways and disappeared for almost two weeks before calling her to see the kids and see how she was doing. Now she refuses to let him in because she can't take the constant let down. She told him it was now going to be about her and her getting well and he was going to have to take care of himself. Iris didn't have one fight to conquer she had two. The one with her husband she had put to rest so she could battle her cancer.

Two weeks after she had her surgery Iris went back to the onocolgist to find out she had an infection in the sight and there were eleven lymphnodes that were touched with cancer. I felt horrible because this was the one day I wasn't able to go with her to the doctors although her mother was with her and had been since the surgery. She told me for the first time she cried. Of course I couldn't let her start feeling sorry for herself, not now. I told her we were going to see the breast specialist about the infection and find out about the lymphnodes but she was not going to let this get her down. When we went to see the speicalist she told us the reason Iris didn't know about the lymphnodes on the day of surgery was because it was not visible to the naked eye and she needed to send them out to the lab. The report had just come back that 11 out of 22 were infact with cancer but a small amount which told her the chemo was doing it's job and we needed not to worry but concentrate on that. I told Iris I would be there for her no matter what and we were going to beat this thing. She also went to see the plastic surgeon who told her he didn't feel the sight was infected, of course she has been on antibiotics for four days, and that treatment could resume.

She goes back to the onocologist this coming Monday but the kicker is in the mean time her unit is being deployed. Of course she can't go and had to go to headquarters and fill them in on what is going on with her. In the meantime we have agreed it's time to put her wishes about her children in writing. I refuse to believe that we are ever going to need that will to be readbut it is something she needs to do for her own peace of mind. Iris is going to be here a long time and I pray every day that her children don't have to face a life without their mom at such a young age. I pray she lives to a nice old age and kicks this cancer in the butt. The only thing I can do for her is pray, be there for support, and help her with the kids. Sometimes my family doesn't understand but I remind them of how my mother died from cancer and how I can't let her do this alone. Yes her family is there for her but it's different with the two of us. We are like sisters and she needs me right now by her side. She needs someone she can talk to and cry to. She needs someone to understand what she is going through and to be tough for her even though I cry behind closed doors. She will never see tears from my eyes only hope. May God hear my prayers and bless her. I have to believe he already has because she had come a hell of a long way.

2004-03-13T11:30:00.000-08:00

My mind goes blank sometimes as I sit and day dream about days gone by. I find it hard to believe I am now fourty eight years old and still living in the very same home I grew up in. My father is 76 years old and lives on the first floor with my oldest daughter who is now 22. My mother past away ten years ago. I honestly believe it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life.

Growing up I wasn't very close to my mother. As a matter of fact we bucked heads a lot but as I grew older and had children of my own we became the best of friends. As a matter of fact there wasn't a day, in the last twelve years of her life, that my mother and I didn't have lunch together. I worked at home while I raised my family and my mother worked the 3 to midnight shift. It wasn't an easy shift for her but she did it all the same. She went to work to make a better life for our family when I was about ten years old. She stopped working about five years before her death. I still miss her every day. Now when I think of her I remember how wonderful it was getting to know her as an adult. I see the hard times she had to endure and I understand all she went through in her young life, her marriage and in bringing us up right.

I was married to my first husband for eleven years and I have to admit they were tough years. We had three children by the time we split up just six months after my mothers death. I knew it was coming for a long time. My only regret is it didn't happen till after her death. She worried about me everyday. That's why I think she made sure she saw me every day. She was afraid if she didn't something would happen to me. I honestly believe my mother was more than aware of the abuse and negelect I put up with every day of my life. My husband didn't know how to be a husband. He had no role model to go by since his father wasn't that great a husband either. People used to get so frustrated with me because I always went to his defense but I believed I was his wife and that is what a wife does. Unfortunately he didn't feel that was what a husband should do so he went about his business and enjoyed himself on a daily basis.

I think he thought I was oblivious of his extra activities but he was dead wrong. As a matter of fact the person who opened my eyes to his games was my mother. She found out he was cheating on me and instead of ignoring it she called me, had me over in the evening for coffee, and let me know what she knew. The rest of my family was there for support but they only screamed at me when I said I wasn't leaving him. My mother just stood there and looked me in the eye as if to say I understand. She told them they couldn't expect me to just walk out. She knew I how I believed in my marriage vows. I tried for years to keep it together and she stood behind me and supported me every way she could. I know she hated seeing the saddness in my eyes and she prayed everyday I would be free of him but ultimately it was my decission to leave or to stay.

I guess when my mother died I no longer had my best friend to go to who would make me feel better. I sat in my house night after night remembering her love and warmth. Anger grew inside of me because my husband was not home. The person who should have been helping me through the toughest time of my life was with someone esle and would return home as if nothing was wrong. One night, as I sat in my room alone again, I talked out loud to my mother as if she were there. I asked her to help me get the courage up to do what I knew needed to be done. I admit I cried for the loss of my mother and for my marriage but at no time did I cry for the loss of my husband, at least not the man I was now married to, the man he had become. Some how over the years he changed and became his father, cold, uncaring, and mean. I longed for the man I married but I knew he was lost forever. As I spoke to her I could almost feel her arms go around me as warmth encircled me. I knew then that she would always be with me and hear me as I speak to her. Even in death she gave me the courage to go on and not to let him destroy my life.

My mother was my best friend. She was always there for me. Even now I can feel her presence and her strength. I don't think I have ever met anyone stronger then she. She died, at the young age of 59, from lung cancer. Her fight lasted eight long months and I often think about the pain she endured. Even with all she was going through she worried about the well being of me and my three children. She made my father promise he would be there if we needed him and he was and still is.

Her support and love over the years gave me the courage to find myself and explore what I like about myself. That was some thing my ex husband was able to tear apart over the years. She encouraged me to go for a job as a pre school teacher which I did and I loved. I taught for five years before I had a car accident on, what would have been my mothers birthday had she lived, March 4, 1998. Since then I have not taught pre school but I have gone back to writing. I think my mother was the only one I ever showed my work to. She always encouraged me to move on it and believed one day I would get a book published if I just believed in myself. Now I have a wonderful husband who believes in me the same way she did and encourages me to work on getting my novel published. Over the past three years my children have started to read my work as well. I think next to my husband of four years, they are my biggest supporters.

If my mother was here with me today she would be my best friend and supporter. She would push me to do what was best for me and to take care of myself so I would be around for a long time. Whenever I feel scared or sad I think about her and I feel her presence all around me. I know she is watching out for us for I truely believe she is my guardian angel.

Just the day before my mother died I was in her hospital room with her enjoying an old Fred Astaire move. Mom was in a coma but I sat next to her bed and held her hand, talking softly to her about the movie. I talked and believed she listened because I asked her if she liked the music and would like to get up and go dancing. My mothers feet started to move as if she was dancing and I could feel her squeeze my hand. The nurse came in to give her medication and I told her what happened but she insisted it had something to do with her pain medication. I knew better. Before the nurse left the room my mother opened her eyes and pulled off her oxygen mask asking for Toni. The nurse asked me if I was Toni and of courses I said I was. I moved closer to the bed and tried to put her oxygen mask back on her but she fought me. She had to talk to me. Her eyes wide she took hold of my hands and looked me in the eyes to tell me she loved me. Those were the last words my mother, my best friend, ever said to me. She closed her eyes that day for the last time.

The next day she died at 6:30 pm just two days after Thanksgiving. I am so glad, thankful, I got to hear her tell me she loved me but more importantly I am thankful I got to tell her I loved her.

2004-03-13T05:18:00.000-08:00

Don't Hide

Sometimes you want to the world to go away.
Sometimes your not sure what to say.
Don't hide behind your fears,
Stand proud, wipe away the tears.
Know you are perfect just the way you are,
You were meant to be a shinning star.
Stand tall and proud for all to see,
And you will achieve all you could be.